How to engage others who have harmed
Loving well in light of eternity
When we talk about love we must always keep in mind love in the context of eternity. Temporal love will look different than eternal love because what it has in mind in the end is different. For example, eternal love longs for the growth and health of that person spiritually in light of heaven. That may mean having hard conversations about being hurt for the other person’s refinement. It may mean indirectly addressing the issue within a relationship by changing the way you engage or respond to unhealthy patterns. It may also mean putting up a firm boundary and no longer engaging in relationship or a type of relationship with them. All of these options could be the right option, based on a prayerful and Holy Spirit driven engagement of love.
In order to know how to engage those who have hurt you there are several very important questions that must be addressed in the context of the relationship.
These are things to sit with, reflect on, and pray over. There is no black and white one fits all.
1) Is the harm continuing in the present relationship?
a) If so, at some point a shift needs to happen in this relationship
i) This could mean a shift in your engagement (frequency, type of response and emotional intimacy etc)
ii) This could mean a direct conversation about the harm
iii) This could mean no longer engaging in the relationship
b) Feeling rushed or pressured to explain or immediately address is a warning sign
i) May be that you need to receive more healing in this area first
ii) The goal is to operate out of a healthy freedom
2) If the harm is not continuing is the person repentant of the harm caused previously?
i) Reasonable expectations- may mean multiple conversations with a person
ii) I believe that they would be repentant if we had the conversation
iii) I have very little hope for this person’s repentant response
3) What degree of harm is being addressed (egregious sin VS unintentional sin)
i) This is not to diminish any kind of harm!
ii) Does provide a gauge for how we engage…
4) How would you describe your level of healing in regard to this relationship?
a) Any contact with this person is dysregulating
b) I am often but not always dysregulated when around this person
c) I am not often but sometimes dysregulated when around this person
d) I am never dysregulated when in relation to this person
(Both of the extremes can point to issues)
Keep in mind what is the cost to your overall health
5) Are there other people to consider if a relationship is maintained?
6) Is the person a professing believer?
a) This does shape expectation around engagement
i) Can I approach this issue with recognition of sin?
ii) Do I approach this issue related to harm or how I have experienced hurt?
b) Also important to discern the heart of the person (current state)
i) Adam Young references (garden variety, evil, wicked)
(1) “The essence of wickedness is a refusal to come into the light and acknowledge how you have hurt someone. Wicked people cannot bear the voice of their own conscience. They have hardened their conscience, silenced it.” Adam Young EP 93 Engaging with someone who has harmed you
ii) What is this person’s story? “Hurt people hurt people”
7) What kind of relationship do you have with the person?
a) Acquaintance
b) Friend
c) Family
d) Spouse
This can help inform our decision as well, sometimes we keep a relationship out of loyalty because it is familial that may be very harmful. Other times we cut out a family member or grandparent without much recognition for the systemic loss. Must be held in tension.
Resources to check out
Book- “Bold Love” by Dan Allender
Podcast, “The Place We Find Ourselves” by Adam Young
